Dealing With People
Some of the biggest problems we face come from not knowing how to deal effectively with other people. What is effective? I'd say it's when the outcome is beneficial for us -- hopefully for both parties involved. The process may sometimes be pleasant, sometimes be nerve-wracking, sometimes be emotionally charged for both sides. But ultimately, the results matter.
We have many kinds of interactions with others, including:
We must always be aware that everyone involved has their own point of view. Instead of the usual approach of always trying to show we are right, to win the other person over, we should engage them in the process. A building is wobbly without a good foundation, and when we interact with people, our foundation should be that they are happy to deal with us. When the foundation is there, we don't have to be perfect, for even when we mess up a bit, the other person is sympathetic and compensates. Before we fight for absolute truths and act on principle, realize that this may alienate people and set up a frame which is formal at best. Often, people may resent what you say. Recognize that, even though it may be difficult, you can usually connect with the person you're talking to, and regard what must be done as something external (but necessary) to you both.
People tend to compensate. When you push for something, they usually have an impulse to push the other way, to keep from taking an extreme position, especially against themselves or their current (even previous) beliefs. (e.g. the word "usually" in the last sentence toned down what would otherwise sound like a blanket statement about people.) For example, if you act too self-confidently, people may try to suggest, in conversations with you and others, that you are arrogant.
With the previous two principles in mind, in most of our interactions we should not try to start out by pushing for what we want, but instead first to make the person happy to deal with us. When they like us, we have an easier time dealing with them in general. And they'll want to help us.
Also, in many situations we are unsure of what is appropriate and what is over the top. Many of us err on the timid side -- for example, Harlequin Report 2006 found that 75% of North American men see women they are attracted to, but let them go and simply can't initiate a conversation. Similar timidity occurs in job interviews, and so forth. Realize that the other person is not the be-all authority on what's appropriate, either. Even if they are your boss, they don't set the pace in very aspect of the conversation. In a good conversation, both of you play off each other.
When starting the conversation, it's good to speak with a little more authority than seems appropriate. The other person will assume you are confident, have interesting things to offer, and you're able to lead the conversation forward. This way you have more respect from the beginning, which is better than starting out pandering to the other person. You can later use this respect. It's easier to offer respect to the other person, by listening and allowing them to make decisions, when you already have their respect yourself (even if initially it's only because they are going along with you for lack of time to make an impartial logical decision). It is preferable to arguing with them, supplicating to them, and so forth. There is a time and place for these attitudes, but it's much less common than what most people do, from a lack of knowledge and/or self-control.
In any case, it's good to be aware of general social principles and be aware of some formulas that arise when humans interact (in groups of 2 or more). With these, you can deal much more effectively with people.
I should write an essay on this sometime.
A good book: How to win friends and influence people, By Dale Carnegie
A good book I want to check out: Seven Habits of Highly Effective People
We have many kinds of interactions with others, including:
- Spending time with our friends
- Approaching a woman and asking her out
- Dating in a romantic relationship
- Interviewing for a job
- Interacting with coworkers
- Pitching to potential clients
- Negotiating a business deal
We must always be aware that everyone involved has their own point of view. Instead of the usual approach of always trying to show we are right, to win the other person over, we should engage them in the process. A building is wobbly without a good foundation, and when we interact with people, our foundation should be that they are happy to deal with us. When the foundation is there, we don't have to be perfect, for even when we mess up a bit, the other person is sympathetic and compensates. Before we fight for absolute truths and act on principle, realize that this may alienate people and set up a frame which is formal at best. Often, people may resent what you say. Recognize that, even though it may be difficult, you can usually connect with the person you're talking to, and regard what must be done as something external (but necessary) to you both.
People tend to compensate. When you push for something, they usually have an impulse to push the other way, to keep from taking an extreme position, especially against themselves or their current (even previous) beliefs. (e.g. the word "usually" in the last sentence toned down what would otherwise sound like a blanket statement about people.) For example, if you act too self-confidently, people may try to suggest, in conversations with you and others, that you are arrogant.
With the previous two principles in mind, in most of our interactions we should not try to start out by pushing for what we want, but instead first to make the person happy to deal with us. When they like us, we have an easier time dealing with them in general. And they'll want to help us.
Also, in many situations we are unsure of what is appropriate and what is over the top. Many of us err on the timid side -- for example, Harlequin Report 2006 found that 75% of North American men see women they are attracted to, but let them go and simply can't initiate a conversation. Similar timidity occurs in job interviews, and so forth. Realize that the other person is not the be-all authority on what's appropriate, either. Even if they are your boss, they don't set the pace in very aspect of the conversation. In a good conversation, both of you play off each other.
When starting the conversation, it's good to speak with a little more authority than seems appropriate. The other person will assume you are confident, have interesting things to offer, and you're able to lead the conversation forward. This way you have more respect from the beginning, which is better than starting out pandering to the other person. You can later use this respect. It's easier to offer respect to the other person, by listening and allowing them to make decisions, when you already have their respect yourself (even if initially it's only because they are going along with you for lack of time to make an impartial logical decision). It is preferable to arguing with them, supplicating to them, and so forth. There is a time and place for these attitudes, but it's much less common than what most people do, from a lack of knowledge and/or self-control.
In any case, it's good to be aware of general social principles and be aware of some formulas that arise when humans interact (in groups of 2 or more). With these, you can deal much more effectively with people.
I should write an essay on this sometime.
A good book: How to win friends and influence people, By Dale Carnegie
A good book I want to check out: Seven Habits of Highly Effective People
posted by A Man at 1:23 AM
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